It’s my birthday, can I get on stage and spill drinks into your equipment for this special occasion?

No, you may not. You may only get on stage if we invite you, and even then, so help us if you spill your damn drink onto a piece of equipment it’s going to be a terrible night for you.

Can you put me and my friends on the guest list?

The answer is a firm no. If you’re close enough with us and you are coming to a show you won’t even have to ask. So if you have to ask, the answer is no.

I play an instrument. Can I get up and play with you guys?

No. Absolutely not. People have paid money and we have it on good authority they don’t want to see you sit in and try and gel with a group of musicians using in-ear monitors on stage. If you’re good enough and close enough friends with us we assure you that we’ll get you up. Again, if you have to ask, it’s a hard pass from us.

Will you play some Tool or Pantera or Supultura, or maybe some ‘Tallica?

Hey man, not to be a dick but we’re gonna pass on playing something that’s going to run everyone out of the bar like a bomb threat’s been called in.

What’s coming up next set?

Just hand us a $20 and tell us what you want to hear. We don’t really operate on a set list. If we know it, we’ll play it.

Would you guys be willing to play my wedding?

We will play anywhere you want us to if you’re willing to pay.

What’s your favorite song to play?

None of the ones you’re hearing tonight.

What’s the band’s name?

It’s written everywhere. Please, take a moment to look.

I’d like to buy the band a round of shots. What do y’all prefer?

Lemon Drops, chilled Patron, Buttery Nipples, Washington Apples. Tito’s & soda with lime, if you’re fancy.

Which one of you is the singer?

I’m afraid we’re going to need to know why you’re asking that.

How do I correctly throw the drum stick back to the drummer?

Well it’s definitely not by flinging it like he banged your grandma. A nice underhanded lob would be ideal.

If you have played a song already in the night what are the chances you’ll play it again if I request it 100 times?

One hundred or one thousand times won’t get it done without a greasing of the palms.

If I turn my back to you and sit on the stage what happens?

Be our guest. Find out.

Y’all suck! Can I get y’all to change the genre of music you play for the rest of the night?

I’m afraid not, pal. Looks like you may need to head to another venue for the night.

I can’t hear the singer’s vocals. Can y’all turn him up?

Often times, no. That’s usually a request for the sound man who you would find at the back of most rooms, behind you.

Is that a zucchini stuffed into the guitar player’s pants?

Yes, please just act intrigued and don’t confront him about it. He’d be super embarrassed.